Let me explain. Last night at church Shawn and I got to talk to a young girl about living with no regrets. Regrets never go away, they can stay with you forever. She was very responsive and we hope she took our words to heart. I guess I needed to hear my own words. Of course talking to a teenager, my mind was only on teenage regrets.
Then today, I get on my computer at work and find in my email a daily devotional and something caught my eye...
"She watches over the affairs of her household..." (Proverbs 31:27 NIV).
I felt my heart strings being pulled ever so slightly. So I read on...
I have always seen a mother as a lighthouse, or beacon in a child's life. Think about it. A beacon is a landmark that her children can always count on. She shines the light of Christ at night and she serves as a landmark by day. She is watching out over the sea of faces to protect her tiny fleet. Like the Proverbs 31 woman she "watches over the ways of her household." She is present. She's available. And she's on guard.
The last couple of weeks have been the toughest mothering I've experienced so far. I know, I know all you mothers of teenagers...it's only going to get harder. But before I go into complete depression, I have to deal with the present before I get completely freaked out about the future.
Lately, I've seen such a rebellion in one of my sons and it scares me all the way to my toes. Disrespect doesn't begin to describe what I've been witnessing. It's like I'm watching a spiritual battle take place and my son is the battlefield. It's not very easy to watch. I've found myself sobbing at his bedside at night just because he looked so peaceful and I hadn't seen him look like that in a while. I prayed like crazy. Shawn and I are always trying to think of things we can do differently to help our children. I know, we have a huge roll to play in his life, but I also know that I am not in control of him, that only God is. Right now there is nothing we could tweak to make this better for him. This was on God. But, you know, what I learned this week (which I thought I already knew) was that God wants control of our kids. I hold on to them so tight that I leave no room for God to do anything. He was telling me, " He is my son, not yours. Let me take care of him!" So I did. I backed off, and let God move in. What a difference. I felt that I was loosing him already, but little did I know, that I had to give him away to gain him back!
My hands were busy through the day.
I didn't have much time to play
The little games you asked me to,
I didn't have much time for you.
I'd wash your clothes.
I'd sew and cook,
But when you'd bring your picture book
And asked me please to share your fun,
I'd say, "A little later son."
I'd tuck you in all safe at night
And hear your prayers, turn out the light,
Then tiptoe softly to the door...
I wish I'd stayed a minute more.
For life is short, the years rush past.
A little boy grows up so fast.
No longer is he at your side,
His precious secrets to confide.
The picture books are put away,
There are no longer games to play.
No good-night kisses, no prayers to hear,
That all belongs to yesteryear.
My hands once busy, now are still
The days are long and hard to fill.
I wish I could go back and do
The little things you asked me to.
(I'm sorry this is so long, and if you've made it this far, I'm almost done, I promise. I probably wouldn't have read any ones blog if it was this long.)
So, I want to live as a mother, with no regrets. I want to be that lighthouse, on guard, at my post, watching over my family. But I've learned the best way to do this is on my knees. Thank you God for teaching me, for not giving up on me even when I do stupid things and try to take your place. Please forgive me for all the years I've been parenting and I haven't let you parent them at all. I love you! Thank you for loving me and my family as much as you do!